Mar 26, 2009

a gander into an insecurity

i spent a significant amount of time alone during the summer of 07. i was brand new to california and hadn't yet become enveloped into my present community. this was a special summer on many levels and in it existed moments of true contentment. on one particular day i spent an entire afternoon at balboa park, simply sitting under the warm sun writing and reading, and capturing with my nikon everything that gripped my attention. while soaking in that restful lazy day i had a thought. 

see, there are times when i grow insecure about the quiet ways in which i operate. quite frequently i take the position of silent observer. i love to daydream and let my mind run free. this is largely due to the fact that i am an internal processor and it is this characteristic that surfaces my aforementioned insecurity. while wasting away that one afternoon in the park, i wondered; "could i ever be truly confident with my gently isolated musings while in the presence of another?" the temptation for me is to believe that people will only want to be around me if i have profound things to share, if i magnetize them with wit, or if i carry on with bewitching stories of bountiful interest.

why do i write of this today? because i am on a coastal road trip with my very dear friend laura, we are heading up to san francisco. the first leg of our trip commenced with non-stop chatter but after a while the talking subsided and i was entranced by the beauty surrounding me. silence now fills the car. though i am fully enjoying the peacefulness of our time together and relishing in the artistry of the pacific coast i can't help but wonder if laura wishes i were more of a colorful conversationalist. 

here is the curve ball of the whole situation. about a month ago i was sharing with laura and a couple of our friends about this strange self-uncertainty i carry. the next day laura sent me the most encouraging and beautiful words of love i have ever received. in this note she said that i ought not feel insecure about this facet of my personality because my very presence is more than enough. she answered a deeply embedded question of doubt with the dazzling radiance of truth. truth that i am presently praying to by radically touched by once again.

1 comment:

Jewels said...

I relate to your insecurity as I have so many of my own. Thank you for your authentic post. So often when I feel like I am the only insecure person out there Frank reminds me that we are all insecure. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that we are not alone in our feelings of insecurity. I love you and hope you are having an amazing trip.