Sep 29, 2009

shedding soiled habits, or trying to.

for the past couple weeks i have been listening to christmas piano melodies on pandora. i realize that fall has only just begun and i should not rush the looming presence of the blistering cold of winter, and i also recognize that listening to instrumental music is generally designated for those robed in polyester and loafers rather than a girl in blue jeans and chuck taylor's. i cannot deny the fact that i genuinely enjoy this culturally unappreciated genre of music. but lying just beneath the surface of this musical delight roars a longing to hear the tangible sound of silence; and christmas music has the magical ability to quiet one's soul.

as i sit in caribou, cozily snuggled next to the glowing fireplace, the lids of my eyes slowly and heavily blanket my vision like that of a drawing curtain. my plate of demands is pouring over the edge and the one thing that i long to do is forfeit the battle that i've appropriately named, "the war of busybri" and give in to the delicious escape of napping. oh how lovely it would be to doze off right here at caribou and tell my homework and photography work to relax right along with me. but this war has been won before it even began with its ruthless educational debt bullets shredding my flesh, seizing my free time, and wiping out the potential of a good night's sleep. how do i always seem end up in this place?

and it is this place that i thought i left behind - for good. when i was in california i spent 2 years informally counseled by a remarkable pastor at my church. during this time i discovered that i am an extremist. it's not something that i'm proud of, but it's the reality of my weakness. by tagging myself as an extremist what i mean is that i'm an either all or nothing kind of girl. rarely to i dwell in the comfortably positioned gray area of life. i began to actually model a life of balance as i learned to trust in the provision of christ while carrying out my own responsibilities. it was gorgeous and extremely restful. i'm not sure how i left this lesson learned in california? in no time at all i reverted back to my old ways of stretching myself like a brittle rubber band. i do not live this way intentionally, it sort of sneaks up on me. i've mentioned it in posts back, but my mom has always said that i dive off the deep end. once again i'm proving her right. once again i must grab the reigns of my life and yank them with all of my strength to halt this runaway carriage of busyness. and once again i must reposition myself at the feet of jesus and confess my broken attempts to trust in him.

i suppose i must give myself a small dose of credit. if this were two or three years ago i would not even recognize that i've created a mud pit of exhaustion. i'd carry on for the rest of my days working 12+ hours a day and sleeping on the weekends. but i am two years older now; that's two years of maturity, two years of wisdom, and two years of growth. it would be so much easier to continue in my old ways, yet the desire to trust in the lord and dare to believe that life is meant to be lived in restful assurance in the provisions of christ overpowers the temptation to do things my way. this is what henri blackaby would call a "crisis of belief". i want to choose christ. and so i am going to rest. tonight i completed my prayer closet; a sacred space where i can draw away and spend time in the presence of the holy spirit. there remains only 2 more wedding gigs in my schedule, and my boss at caribout is well aware of my present state of (in)sanity and suggested that i cut back on hours. taking her advise and listening to the gentle warning signs of the holy spirit i will be putting in less hours of controlling my life so that i can devote more time to the things that i believe god has called me to; namely intercession and school... i'll let you know how this mess is redeemed.

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