i have officially decided that i'm a little bit stressed. it's hard for me to recognize when this debilitating state of mind greets itself at the door of my being, for rarely do i feel the effects of it. but i've concluded that by the new family of friends making home on my face, otherwise known as horrifically ugly, depressing, and self-confidence crippling zits (is there anything that makes a person feel more unattractive???) sleepless nights, and a tornado of thoughts that are as tangled and disheveled as the ratty hair of my niece after she wakes up from a nap. yeah-i'm stressed.as i creep into the last 6 months of my internship i find myself in a position of questioning. through many months of prayer i have sensed that the next adventure for me is the completion of my b.a. degree from bethel university. so, two months ago i sent in my application andwith that i invited complete strangers some 1800 miles away to determine the next couple years of my life. this is the only plan that i have. there is no back-up. as the weeks pass i receive emails from BU that say the same thing: "thank you for applying to BU, we should have a decision soon." soon my ass. they seem to be on god's time-line rather than the impatient one that i hold.
although there are days when stress runs through my veins like boiling lava, my soul remains calm. i have been spending time in lectio divina the past few weeks and it has proven to be a meditative exercise that re-directs my doubting mind to the faithfulness of the cross. there is a passage in isaiah that god has used time and time again in my life as a solid foundation for me to lean upon. the opening words "do not fear" wrap around my body like a warm blanket and at once i am lost in a sea of tranquility. what is there to fear? in the whole grand scheme of life, with god as my god, there truly is nothing that i need to fear, worry, or doubt.
so, i will continue to wait in this season of unknown, as awkward as it is. and i will take the truth of isaiah and use it as a beacon of hope to light the darkness of my night. the fact of the matter is is that "do not fear" is actually a command, and therefore to worry is sin. my human nature cannot see the colorful array of possibilities that await my company at the end of my internship. but i can lean into truth and walk forward, keeping my gaze fixed on the one who says, "for i am with you".
3 comments:
great blog friend! One day at a time. BU would be foolish to not accept you as a student. I so hear what you mean regarding stress and the beautful side effects is has on our bodies. Run Run Run so you can get those good edorphins flowing to help you deal with all the stress. Love you!
I tell my students to embrace their stress...that a proper twinge of nervousness and fear can be a great sharpener. There is vice in both excess and absence here. (Besides, what drives us to our knees quicker than the imminent unknown?)
You are so funny, my friend. I laughed out loud at your "ass" comment...
I am totally with you on this state of having to wait and be patient with the Lord. I am glad to hear that (at least in some moments) you have your head, heart and spirit focused on the right thing....the only thing...and that is on Him. I know what it is like to struggle with those emotions and go back and forth between confidence and doubt. One thing is guaranteed....God will completely surprise you with what is next! So, plan all you want and move in the direction that you hear Him calling you to, but keep that excitement and wonder about what He will do with you next. If I really know you like I think I do, thinking about this will get you jumping up and down. High five, girlfriend....Oh, and thanks for hanging out with my kid...it means a lot...
Post a Comment