gazing upon the moon has been the common activity the past few nights for me. as i previously mentioned, it is, to me, an open door into fields of tranquility. and lately that is just what i crave. see, god has invaded the deepest desire of my heart. he is tearing into the most intimate pocket that i protectively guard as a mother hen protects her baby chicks. his presence in this place has been lingering for some 5 years now. i know the meaning of "overstaying your welcome". in recent months the company of christ has awakened certain emotions that have been (much to my appreciation) laying dormant for nearly 2 years now. this abyss of winnowing feels as uncomfortable and intrusive as a visit to the "lady" doctor for a yearly physical (or if you're like me, you dodge these check-up's and before you know it 7 years have passed since your last appointment.) nothing is hidden or protected anymore. the illumination of the holy spirit has exposed everything and it is horrifically painful, and yet i know that this search light is beaming from a safe foundation in the harbor, and it is dressed with the most ravishing of intentions.
i am incredibly blessed to have an outlet to share these newly tilled emotions with my spiritual director, kristen. as i describe (or attempt to - the articulation of my fearful and freshly exposed feelings proves to be a vastly difficult challenge) the inner sparring bregade taking place between god and i, kristen simply listens with an open and prayerful heart. through our months of meeting together, and the countless hours i have been spending in prayer, i am beginning to see the purposes involved for the recent stirring of my quietly sleeping emotions.
when i read of abraham taking his son as a sacrifice, hosea taking a prostitute as his wife, jesus's journey into the wilderness, or even the beloved arising to go out into the city to search for her lover, i am comforted by the bravery of people who have endured the same infiltration of christ that i am experiencing in this season of my life. the breaching that i speak of is narrowed down to one fiery reason: god is passionate about loving passionately. his every longing is to love - and to be loved. and really, is this not the truest of every human yearning? god walks with us as the north winds blow so he can be right there, penetrating our bones with his love. and so too, he is right beside us when the flowers appear on the earth so he has direct, unhindered access to bathe in the fragrance of our worship.
the journey's of christ's beloved are in similar fashion to that of the moon. at times throughout the year the moon's shape, size, and luminocity display different dynamics of radiance. but without fail (at the director's cue!), she will rise, and she will sleep; faithfully living her role of contrasting the evening and the day. and we are all invited to gaze at her presence and stand in devoted admiration that this too, is good.