Mar 9, 2009

a hint of sadness...

earlier this year my boss had our youth ministry department take the strength finders test. i absolutely dig the self-discovery process and learning about those who are closest to me. taking a take a test that unveils your personal strengths was as delicious as scrounging through the minnesota twins pro shop or spending all day in the apple store. what i learned about myself is that i am (in no particular order) empathetic, positive, a learner, bold with input, and... "is that the red or the white?"... "ah, i can never remember that!".... adaptability! that's it. as i read through the descriptions of each of these strenghts i quickly realized that they were quite a perfect match to the ways in which i operate.

holding a positive outlook on pretty much everything in life, it is rare that i crumble under the weight of the negativities that swirl about our day to day routines. my tendency is to gaze at the very best in people, draw out the joy in most situations, and strive to see the beauty in the midst of ashes. this strength of positivity however, does not blanket the existence of sadness - which is the very emotion i seem to be finding myself in these past couple of weeks.

in three short months my adventure in california will be over. i will be saying goodbye to the students that i deeply love, my community, diana - who has become so much more than a roommate, my completely radical boss(es), the breath taking pacific view, and the entirety of this incredible journey of maturity.

two weeks ago my friend laura began printing out the incoming applications and resumes to those that are seeking to fill my position when i leave in june. i always knew that this job wasn't permanent and that june would eventually greet me at the door, but at the same time i never knew it would come so quickly. as laura was organizing all the papers of applicants my heart grew heavy. i sat there at my desk and began, for the first time thus far, to literally feel the pains of having to say goodbye.

i think what makes this process the most difficult is that only now are things moving from surface level to things of depth. the relationships with students that i have been investing in the past 21 months are now way past "hello my name is" and dwell in the "can i share something with you?" level. after working with my boss for 9 months i feel as though we are just now getting into a rhythm with how we operate. and i am growing comfortable and confident in the unique ways that i give and lead in youth ministry; which is guiding my students into the mystery of prayer and through a contemplative approach. it hurts to think that i am soon going to be done with all the things and people that i have invested in and received from over the past two years.

3 comments:

Renee said...

I feel for you my friend. I too am sad about your leaving, not simply because there will be a day when I come back to CA and you will not be there, but more because of the pain that will come from your transition. It's not necessarily a bad sorta pain, but it's definitely a shitty one.

King of the Mazza Monkeys said...

Wow....check out Renee....I think she picked up some salty language in France! I love it!

My dearest Brianna...the realization and sadness are both hitting me too. But what God keeps pointing out to me is that this time in your life has been PREPARATION. He has been preparing you for the next part of your Adventure. Yes, it will be incredibly sad that you will no longer be with us here in California, but the bonds you have made with people here are blind to the miles that will separate us. And who knows...you might be back in CA one of these days!
Enjoy every moment while you are here...give extra hugs and live in the now...and then carry those memories with you.

Amber said...

Oh, so sad. It's hard to say goodbye to anything, even bad stuff! I'm looking forward to you coming home!