Jun 9, 2009

disclosed fears

in 5 very short days i will somehow attempt to squeeze myself, and my papa into my tightly packed mazda and begin the long journey to minnesota. i've spent the last 2 years of my life living, growing, maturing, and embracing the lifestyle of the west coast and there wasn't single passing day that i didn't love every moment of it. as i prepare to take off, my mind races through a myriad of reflections and my soul is overwhelmed with emotions that i can't even begin to understand, much less articulate. how did time pass by so quickly? 

today i met the new senior high intern. she is radiant. her spirit is tender and her heart for youth fills my own with confidence and sweet anticipation to pass on to her this ministry, these incredible students that i have grown to love so dearly. her name is rachel and she is going to do great things within our high school community.

yesterday i began the packing process. i actually thought that i didn't have that much stuff to pack up. that was until i opened up closet number 1, then i realized i'm in way over my head and maizey (that's the name i chose for my beloved protege) will never have enough space to haul all of my belongings. as i started the process of organizing my vagabond way of life, ever so slowly hidden emotions began to reveal themselves that i didn't even know existed.

the truth of this entire transition is that i am terrified. sure i am confident that this is very truly what god is calling me to. of that i am absolutely certain. i know that the pursuit of english/theology and eventually spiritual formation is the fire that sets light to my path - but with this new voyage also comes the great abyss of the unknown. questions and fears swirl about my mind and i am awkwardly tumbling over each of them. where am i going to live? will i find a church community to belong to? do i have what i takes to study theology? how can i leave the friends that i love so deeply? these challenges are like those sort of dreams where you are trying desperately to run away from something but you are so confined by fear that your legs refuse to carry you. 

not only am i afraid of the unknowns, but i am also petrified to go back to something that "once was". there is a part of me that believes this colossal shift in life direction would be far easier if i were moving to someplace brand new. it's comfortable for me to enter into a place that i know nothing about and adapt a fresh life. instead i am heading back to the place where i grew up. how does one go back "home", when they left it a completely different person than they are returning? how will i live in confidence as the woman god has so graciously transformed me to be? will i be able to speak up for myself to my family? as dearly as my love is for them, there is a co-existing identity constraint that chokes out my true self when i am in their presence. and the friends that i left 2 years ago have stayed. their lives didn't stop when i wandered 1800 miles west, is it possible to re-enter the facade of "the way things used to be"? then again, not one part of me wants for things to complacently hold fast to "the way they used to be". 

i suppose the overarching internal wrestling is; will i be able to stand as the woman i am today and cease the temptation to revert back into the woman i was 2 years ago? can i confidently proclaim who i am as a woman of god and with complete abandonedment continue in the direction god is leading me? in the core of my soul i do believe that i can, and i believe that this too is a part of the adventure god is laid before me. 

2 comments:

Kariana said...

I'm sure things aren't going to be exactly the way they were before...I'm sure things are going to be even better!!!
I am going to miss you sooo much. you have touched my life and I know tons of others here in san diego.
I will miss falling asleep in class and laughing hysterically with you! Keep in touch girl always!

King of the Mazza Monkeys said...

Wow...I can't believe it is almost time for you to leave...
You have grown so much during this time. I look forward to seeing all that God has in store for you.

Remember Matthew 6:25-34....He will carry you!