Sep 17, 2009

polka dotted contemplations...

a forkful of natural chunky peanut butter, a little red wine to relax the soul, swirling smoke from a lilac inscent, lucy's barefeet pattering on the floor above, and the sun drenched autumn afternoon pouring in my windows. i take a break from my american literature readings to type out a few of the thoughts that linger and dance in my mind like the burning lilac inscent.

my life doesn't just cast a different hue, it poses an entirely new picture. i'm taking 15 units at bethel university and i've been bombarded with deeply thought provoking texts from authors like roger olson and paul eddy, as well as highly invigorating and inviting stories crafted together by the transcendentalists of the early 19th century. caribou coffee seeps into my pores (literally, every crevasse of my body and every strand of hair has accumulated a permanently new scent - coffee.) furthermore every spare hour of time that is not already consumed by class or homework is spent barreling through innumerable hours of processing work that pounds on the door of my photography business. lastly, my running adventures no longer kiss the pacific coast, and the brief stint of racing around cornfields already  is in the not so distant past. now i have the astheticly pleasing array of the minneapolis lakes to adorn each mile i pound out. yes, life is unquestionably different than what i have been used to and i'm learning how to adjust.

prior to moving away from california i assumed that the first few months would be the most challenging. i thought upon arriving to minnesota i would immediately enter into 12 weeks of painful drudgery and don a weighted, bleak trenchcoat of transitional depression. but those first dozen weeks were easy, somewhat exciting, and even a little sparkly. but now the glitter of moving has not only tarnished, its unveiled the ugly complexion buried beneath and i am left feeling the emotional turmoil that hangs on the coattails of all paramount life transitions. how does one handle this well? how do i learn every jewel of spiritual goodness that is intricitately hidden amongst the clutter of difficulty? and how do i do this when i am without the community of my darling california girlfriends?

patiently. that is how. i am a terrifyingly impatient woman. it's true. but i'm that of a circumstantial agog. moreover i am far too... what's the word... i dive off the deep end i guess is the best way to put it. i invisioned having all this time to help manage the bethel cross country team, find a youth ministry community to serve in, and mentor all the young women i'd be in school with. i had big plans to be sure of. but the reality is there is not a drop of spare time haning on the bucket of my schedule cistern. and so, i wait. maybe this is a season of life where i (do i dare presume?) focus on myself. perhaps this is a season of studying, learning, and growing in my faith through academic challenges. this season is a murky swamp of confusion, but that is due to the fact that i have replaced my intentinonal time of prayer for theology, literature, and creative writing material. it very well could be the discernment and rest i so desperatly yearn for will be found when i take just one moment to pause and reorrient myself towards the redemption of calvary. patiently, yes,that is absolutley how i am to journey forth from this upside down postion i put myself in.

1 comment:

Jewels said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and for letting me have a window into your life. Change is so very hard for me so I understand your pain. It sounds amazing to be a student again, especially a student who actually wants to learn. You are in my prayers. Time spent just on you is a time to treasure and embrace. You are worth taking time for. luv you